Thursday, March 27, 2008

Creating Value in the Dog

I at Alice the Goon apologize for the long hiatus. It was a result of the writer’s strike. I wasn’t paying myself what I was worth, and when I tried to talk to myself about it I acted like I was crazy. So I flipped myself off, called myself a fascist and left. Finally I gave in to my demands (“No more 2% milk!”) and am back on the job.

Besides, it was imperative that the strike be broken so I could tell you this story.
My friend Susan was at the dog park talking to me on the phone when she suddenly got very upset. Someone was yelling at their dog, she said, and it really got to her, to the point where she wondered if they might be crazy. So I passed on this advice from Paige:
When you see something like this happening, you go up to the person and lavish love and attention on the dog - say how cute he is, how sweet, how smart, how you’d love to have a dog like this, pet him, ask his age, etcetera. Paige’s friends at Earth Pets Natural Pet Market in Gainseville call this “creating value in the dog” - if the owner sees someone else valuing the animal they will shift perspective and value the animal, too.
This really happens. It’s the exact same principal as when you’re about to break up with a lover and then see someone else flirting with him or her; immediately you change your mind and decide to keep them. Whether it’s our covetous nature or outside perspective “creating value in the dog,” works.
Sometimes you are the dog. You have to create some value in yourself, make yourself seen as adorable (or whatever impression you’re inventing) before other people see it. I suppose it’s also called “marketing,” but whatever it is.....woof. Go on and do it.

(adorable dog provided by Katie Ball)

Friday, March 7, 2008

One more for the road

Alice’s good friend Rich in Brooklyn sends us this from

Three-Way on the Freeway
Feb 27th 2008
By Tom Radler
You've heard of the "Mile-High Club?" How about the "60-mile-per-hour club"?
A naked man and two naked women were stopped in British Columbia last week for alleged sex acts while driving on the Trans-Canada Highway.
Apparently, the amorous trio was making a point of showing off to other motorists while getting it on in the car. After several complaints, a cop followed the fingered car home.
Police took one of the women to a mental hospital, and it's likely that the guy will be charged with "driving without due care and attention."
Questions Raised: How do you position three people for carnality in a standard car? Was a stick-shift involved and/or charged with anything?

I’m impressed that the writer went the extra mile to provide discussion questions and have three of my own:

a) Why not just pull over? I could see doing this in Florida, where the highway scenery is so fucking dull you’d do anything to relieve the boredom. But the BC is so lovely.....why would anyone want to miss it just to see dank or wobbly things that can’t possible be as pretty as Victoria?

b) “Police took one of the women to a mental hospital.”? Why? Was the sex so good it made her insane? Were the other people involved so unattractive that the cops thought “She must be crazy,” and hauled her off in the cookie wagon?
A story on The Province says she was “taken to Royal Jubilee Hospital under the Mental Health Act.” I have never read this Mental Health Act and wonder if it thoughtfully includes help for anyone kookoo enough to get penetrated at high rates of speed with a driver who is probably smashed on endorphins.

c) What kind of car would best accommodate a three-way?
The likely choice would be “Hummer,” “Winnebago,” or some other vehicle larger than a NY apartment so folks have room to maneuver.
I’m not so sure. I’m going to go the other way and say Mazda Miata (1992), BMW convertible (2002) and Karmen Ghia (1968). In these cramped spaces you might be forced into hitherto undiscovered positions and find they rock! Who’da thought a knee cap would fit there! That an elbow could taste so good! There’s a reason clowns are always so chipper when they get outta those cars. Honk honk!

(the clown car artwork came from the racing blog Full Throttle)